Tag Archives: selfless service

Some Thoughts on Marriage

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The wonders and joys and trials of marriage have been written about for many centuries.  Ever since Adam and Eve first kissed in the garden, it has been an ongoing challenge to turn a marriage into a good marriage and then to turn a good marriage into a GREAT MARRIAGE.  I would suggest to you that we all have the ability to have and enjoy a GREAT MARRIAGE.  There are many things that are critical to making that a reality.  Here are just a few for you to consider:

1.  Commit Entirely – After you have said “I do” and you take those first steps towards life together, it is so important to lock into the vision of “life together.”  If we have the understanding that our commitment will last only until the problems begin, then our relationship is bound to fail.  Our commitment needs to be unconditional.  It needs to be “I Love You” and not “I love you if…”  A love based on conditions will eventually fail.  Columnist Doug Larson wrote this about marriage: “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.”  Have a commitment to get through the early years of marriage so you can enjoy the “better years.”  Mark Twain said it this way: “Love seems the swiftest but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”

2. Love Selflessly – All too often the primary reason that marriages end in divorce is that one or both partners feel that their needs aren’t being met.  “I’m not getting what I want out of this marriage.”  It’s the My and I syndrome.

          • My needs
          • My wants
          • My expectations.

Rabbi Barnett R. Brickner said of marriage: “Success in marriage  does  not  come  merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”  Get outside of yourself for a minute.  Are you being “the right mate” for your partner?  Are your selflessly loving?  Professor Jerry McCant said, “You can never be happily married to another until you get a divorce from yourself. Successful marriage demands a certain death to self.”  If we invest ourselves in building up our spouse and truly loving our spouse, we begin building a lasting marriage.

3.  Forgive Endlessly – Another cornerstone of a GREAT MARRIAGE is becoming a master at forgiveness.  Much like commitment, forgiveness needs to be unconditional.  If we can have the grace to forgive, we extend love and acceptance to an imperfect spouse.  In an environment of unconditional love and forgiveness, we experience both giving and receiving the Godly quality of grace.  Billy Graham’s daughter Ruth Bell Graham said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”  Forgive one another… as I have forgiven you -  Colossians 3:13.

Just a few Common Sense basics on how to have a GREAT MARRIAGE.

A Great Marriage – The Ten Keys Part 2

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Last week we looked at the first five keys from the book How to Make A Good Marriage Great –Ten Keys to a Joyous Relationship  by Victor Cline, Ph.D.

Now we’ll look at the remaining five keys.  Here is a summary with my added editorial comments:

  • Sixth Key -  Develop Effective Communication / Negotiation Skills  -  Successful communication with our spouse is essential to a happy marriage and comes with practice, patience, and hard work.  Become a student of the best communication style with your spouse.   The good Dr. has these suggestions:
    • Get quiet time ALONE together, even if that takes an overnight away together. Never discuss critical issues when tired or exhausted.
    • Be a good listener without interrupting.
    •  Don’t flee or run away, rather stick it out and work at issues peacefully.
    • Be honest with each other sharing true and honest feelings.
    • Avoid blame statements and convey how certain actions or statements are making YOU feel.
    •  Remember to be positive and express your thankfulness for what is right in your relationship.
    • Avoid criticism.
    • If it is too difficult to discuss, try writing it out and sharing this letter with your spouse so you can discuss it.  This will allow you to share all your feeling without being “run over.”
  • Seventh Key – The “Extra Dimension”  -  Remember God desires you to have a richly blessed relationship.  Pray for each other and pray together as you work at growing your relationship.  Pray that the Lord will bless you with a patient and understanding spirit and that you learn how to selflessly love your spouse.
  • Eighth Key  -  Acute Stress can Kill Love – Deal with It!  -  Our lives are filled with a variety of stressors including the usual issues of small children (or larger teenage types), job or lack of a job, financial stress, health issues, or family and extended family issues, to name a few.  These can add extreme pressure on even the best of relationships.  But don’t quit.  Look at these times as the “white water days” of your marriage.  Much like a river raft trip, there are calm water days and white water days.  During the white water days you need to really hang on.  Find ways to simplify and de-stress your lives.  I believe that God will restore us to the calm water but remember to love each other even in your white water days, for then you need each other most.
  • Ninth Key – Participate in a Marriage Enrichment / Marriage Encounter Experience – Take time to grow in your knowledge together.  A weekend seminar together should be a major priority.  Find a marriage book to read and discuss together.
  • Tenth Key – Pair-Bonding, Renewing the Magic  -  Work daily at these things:  Make a daily decision to love each other and express that love, shower each other with positives and take time daily to share feelings.

Dr. Cline has shared some valuable ideas on how to have a Great Marriage.  But head knowledge alone will not bring about the desired results.  You must commit to work at these things.  The rewards are worth the effort.

I Choose Us !!

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Do you want to see a great “Date Night” movie?  (OK – OK!  A chick flick.  Hey guys – remember that most of the time she watches those shoot-‘em up movies with you and so a chick flick is perfectly ok and this one even has time travel for us guys!)  Anyways, let me recommend The Family Man with Nicolas Cage and Tea Leoni.  It’s a great movie with an even better message.

After a series of events the husband, played by Nicolas Cage, comes to realize he needs to pursue his dream and passion to where he feels led in life.  But it requires major life changes for the family, including moving, changing schools for the kids, and being away from grandparents.  His wife passionately argues that they just can’t do that; they would be giving up too much.  They would have to leave their house, friends, and family.  The next day after some time of reflection and soul searching, she says to her husband, “Being with you is more important for me than to hold on to anything.  Where you go, I’ll go.”  And then she says, “I choose us!”

Think about that!  “I choose us!”  I make a conscious choice to put my personal needs and wants aside for what is a better choice for “Us.”  We each come to our relationships with our own personal dreams and aspirations, our own plans and goals.  They’re my goals, my plans, my career, and my education.  And somehow we must meld those two sets of desires into one.  It can no longer be all about me. It needs to become all about “Us”.

Here are a few suggestions to help you to work at making “Us” a focus:

  • Ask your spouse “Is there something special I can do for you this week?”  And don’t just ask, remember to Do It!
  • When needed, say “I’m sorry.  Would you forgive me?”
  • Commit to two times per week for special one on one alone time together.  Read a book together, share a massage or back rub – Be creative  -  I’m sure you can come up with something!
  • Make plans for two special trips away together each year. (Camping in the backyard doesn’t count)
  • Work at overcoming “me” and “my” and instead work on “Us”!
  • Talk about your favorite memories together.
  • Talk about your dreams and future together.

In the movie, the husband was faced with a choice of “me” or “us” and he chose “me”.  He became successful and quite wealthy.  His choice led him to a lonely and isolated life.   Sure he had wealth, but also an empty unfulfilled life.  Too late, he came to see that he had made the wrong choice.

Now for today’s assignment:  Get the movie and watch it together and when the time is right, nuzzle up to your spouse and give them a nibble on that special provocative spot and whisper in his or her ear, “From now on, I choose Us!”  Can you see that special sparkle in her eyes?  That’s the “Us” sparkle!!

 

Be Your Spouse’s Best Friend

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Lots of married people we know started their relationships as friends.  Alan and I were part of a group of friends.  We cooked dinners all together, went to church and school events, and met up at restaurants.  It’s like we were a crowd that often participated in the same activities.  Some in that crowd were dating each other, but not Alan and I.  In the process we got to know each other without romance clouding our vision.  I have always appreciated that we started out as friends.

According to John Gottman, as he explains in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”  He goes on to say,

 By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out…

Note that Mr. Gottman says respect is mutual, and they know each other intimately.  Friendship is a two way street and both parties must value and pursue the relationship for it to deepen.  If you have a true friend, you know you can always be yourself; you are accepted and safe, as is your friend with you.  You often do things intentionally to make your friend happy.  This is the type of friendship that is a foundation of the happy marriages Dr. Gottman has observed.

Do you have that kind of friendship still or has it started to wane with time and stress?  For most of us it does wane unless we cultivate it along the way. So how do we do that?

How about making your friendship with your spouse the focus of your date times?  Whatever thing you decide to do with the time, always use it to know each other more intimately, or to express your fondness.  For example, if you are going out for a cup of hot chocolate, talk about your hopes and dreams.  If you are going to a play or concert, find out what your spouse thought about it afterwards.  If you go for a walk together, hold hands and remember your courtship days.  If you just stay home, give your spouse a back rub and talk about what happened that day.  If your spouse needs to vent about a stressful situation, listen, empathize, and be glad he or she feels safe to vent with you.

Here’s a challenge:  Do something in the next week specifically to build a positive atmosphere of friendship in your marriage that helps you keep the inevitable negative times in perspective.  And have fun in the process!!

I Do.

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Remember the day when you said “I do?”  How did you feel that day?  What were your hopes and dreams for your marriage relationship?  Do you remember what exactly you promised your new spouse at your wedding?

Most of us had a combination of the following  and maybe a few others:

  • to have and to hold from this day forward
  • for better or for worse
  • for richer, for poorer
  • in sickness and in health
  • to love and to cherish
  • from this day forward until death do us part.

We promised to love forever, in all circumstances, when things were good and when bad.  There were no ifs, ands, or buts that day.  We meant what we said and we were sure that love would conquer all in those bad times, if they ever came.  But maybe they wouldn’t because we were perfect for each other!

A ways down the road of married life reality hits and we see each other for the imperfect people that we are.  Sometimes we hurt each other with words or actions.  We disappoint our spouse.  We find out things about our spouse that we didn’t know before, like habits, coping mechanisms, addictions, and extended family. Maybe some of our dreams will never be realized because of sickness or financial strain.  These are the worst, the poorer, and the unhealthy times.

When in those hard times, some couples lose sight of their wedding vows, me included.  I acted like my vows read more like this:

  • I will have and hold you when it’s better
  • When it’s worse, I will probably keep you at arm’s length.
  • I will love you as long as you love me.
  • Maybe I will cherish you, unless you hurt me.
  • I will take care of you when you are sick
  • But I will take you for granted when healthy.

That’s not what we dreamt of ever!  How can anyone possibly undo all the damage?

If you see yourself in some of that, there is hope to turn things around.  I discovered that Jesus has the perfect remedy for the sin of selfishness—confession and repentance to him and your spouse.  And because healing rarely happens all at once—continual confession and repentance.  There was freedom from selfishness and joy in serving when I turned from sin to Jesus. And now, instead of shame and guilt after each failure, there is forgiveness and reconciliation.

At the center of our marriages there should be the same unconditional love that Jesus has for us.  His love for us does not depend on what we do, say, think, or even how we treat him!  When we can love our spouse like that then we can truly have, hold, and cherish in all times.

Sometimes it’s good to go back to the beginning to evaluate the direction of your path.  For your own growth look at how you have kept the promises you made to your spouse.  If you’re really brave, ask your spouse how you’ve done!  Listen and learn how you can be a better servant to your spouse.  You will find the path to a soul mate marriage!

I Don’t Feel Like It

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Well, there they are – those famous five words – “I don’t feel like it”.  You’ve thought those very words many times before and being honest, you’d have to admit you have spoken them to your spouse at times when faced with the need to selflessly serve your spouse.  They are at the heart of what drives a wedge between us and our spouse.  They embody the essence of being focused on self and they center around our very illusive “feelings”.

Why do we struggle with Jesus’ exhortation in John 15:12, “…Love each other as I have loved you”.  May I suggest we struggle because we are faced with the pressure to feed “self;” this is what I want and this is what I need.  Not only are we feeding our needs and wants, we are driven by our feelings.  These can be feelings of fairness, injustice or anger and resentment.  When we mix a focus on self with our ever changing feelings, we have a recipe for a dysfunctional relationship.

This is a hard message.  It’s hard because it causes us to look inward, to examine our heart and motives.  In Ephesians 5:25 husbands are commanded to “love your wives just as Christ loved the church”.  Note that this was a command to obey.  It didn’t say to “feel love for your wives” but rather it commands husbands to “love your wives”.  A command.  Nothing is mentioned about if she deserves love because this is unconditional love.  Jesus says again in John 15:17 “this is my command: Love each other”.  Further in Luke 6:35, “But Love your enemies, do good to them…”  We probably don’t  have all warm and fuzzy feelings towards our enemies but we are nevertheless commanded to love them.  Love in this context is an action.  We are to act lovingly, in spite of our feelings, our personal agenda or the actions of our spouse.

So how does this relate to you and your spouse?  Remember that we talked about watering often and filling your spouse’s emotional tank.  Well, that can be very hard to do if we are consumed with and focused on ourselves, thinking… But what about me?  What about my needs?  When do I get what I want?   And then our feelings kick in as we remember prior hurts and resentments.  Yes, it’s hard to love unconditionally.

But think about this:  How does a wife feel when she is loved unconditionally?  How does a husband feel when he is loved by his wife even though he struggles with numerous shortcoming and failings?  In those moments when they experience that unconditional love from their spouse, in that moment they experience the love of Christ, coming from and through their spouse.  They experience the touch of Jesus in their lives.

When you are tempted to say to yourself, “But I don’t feel like it,” remember that He died for us and I’m quite sure that He didn’t feel like it.  So, love, and love unconditionally, and soon by the grace of God, you will feel like it.

 

Your Spouse’s Tank is Almost Empty!

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This past week we visited our son and daughter-in-law and had a wonderful time.  Great news… our next grandbaby will be here in September.   While driving around one day, I noticed the gas gauge showed almost empty.  As a guy, I knew it didn’t mean anything because the idiot light hadn’t come on yet.  It’s the one that tells you the tank is REALLY getting empty.  I know when the light comes on I have about a gallon and a half left.  Someday they will have a car that has an “idiot voice” that says, “Hey you, I’m almost out of gas.  Fill me up now!”

What if your spouse had a gauge?  A gauge that told you he or she was running on empty and needed refueling soon.  If your spouse emptied completely you’d be in real trouble because then life around the house wouldn’t  be much fun.

If you think about it, spouses do come with gauges…

When your husband comes home from work unusually quiet, a bit grumpy, and heads for his man cave, saying without actually speaking “Hey, leave me alone,” he probably didn’t have a good day at work.  And if you read his “emotional gauge,” you’d know his tank is almost empty.

Think about the husband that comes home and sees the house is kind of upside down, his wife looks exhausted and doesn’t give him the usual “Hi Honey, glad you’re home” kiss; and she looks like she could burst into tears at any moment.  Chances are pretty high that her “emotional tank” is nearly empty.  Not a good time to bring up a shortcoming you might be noticing.

When you can read your spouse’s needs, I call that “situational awareness.”  Your spouse is telling you through his or her actions that their tank is empty.  Some signs you may see are:

  • A short fuse and getting agitated, angry, or frustrated by small stressors
  • Quietness, sadness, moving slowly, spending more time ‘veging’ or wanting to be alone
  • Not making eye contact with you
  • You may feel ignored, taken for granted or emotionally distant when your spouse’s tank is running low.
  • You may think your spouse is mad at you about something.
  • Attempts to initiate physical intimacy may be rebuffed

Have you noticed when you spouse’s tank gets low?  An aspect of personal growth is to mature so that you become an expert at quickly recognizing your spouse’s needs.  When you are aware and get good at reading the tell-tale signs of an “emotionally empty” tank, you can focus on a fill-up.  A selfless serving spouse will take personal responsibility to refill their spouse’s tank well before the idiot light comes on.

And as long as you’re filling her emotional tank, check her oil and clean her windshield too, just like they used to do years ago.  Become a full service selfless loving spouse, and she’ll do the same for you.

Next time we’ll look at some practical things you can do to keep your spouse’s tank full.

Time can be on your side

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We’ve all heard it said over and over again that the biggest gift that you can give someone is your time, and for some reason, mostly by default, we have our spouse on a rationing program.  We seem to have time for work, kids, chores, volunteer programs at church and school, and we rarely miss out on watching that baseball or football game.  We have time for so many things and for many of us the day ends with us crawling in to bed at night exhausted, having spent precious few minutes with the most important person in our life.  When we consider a weekly date night with our spouse we lament there is no time left for that.  How does that happen?

Remember in an earlier blog on Common Sense I spoke about the couple that had enough money to buy two packs of cigarettes a day and then complained that they didn’t have enough money to buy milk for the kids?  In reality, they had more than enough money; they were just smoking the milk money.   In relation to time available each day, there is no rich or poor.  No one has more or less time per day.  Much like the cigarette smoker, you already have the time.  The question is better put, “What are we doing with the time that we have?”

How is it then that as we look back over the day or the past week, we have spent so few of those hours in meaningful relating with our spouse?

As with finances, we need to make choices.  And right choices follow right priorities.  The first thing that you need to do is determine what your priorities are.  For example, a financial planner will tell you that savings should be a priority in your monthly budget.  So they recommend taking 10% right off the top and put it into a saving program.  They don’t say to wait until the end of the month and see what’s left over.  That would be foolish.  You take your savings off the top and then live on what’s left.  Why?  Because you predetermined that saving was a priority.

And isn’t that what we need to do with our most important relationship? Why give your time and energy to everything else and then give your spouse the leftovers?  Doesn’t make sense, does it?

Here’s a challenge:  Do you want to have your relationship with your spouse be the number one priority?  Great!  Commit to this:  Set aside two evenings per week – two to three uninterrupted hours, for “special time” with each other.  No phone calls, no emails, no TV, no ball games (you can record them!), no Face Book, no blogging, just time for each other.  Later in the evening is fine, especially if you have kids.   And at home is fine too.   Remember:  water often. Trust me.  Your spouse will love you for making them your number one priority.

Water Often

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Previously we spoke about your relationship being like a plant that needs water every day to flourish and stay green and beautiful.  Let’s expand upon that.

Let’s pretend that you and your spouse are like “people plants”.  You’re both standing in large pots with beautiful dark soil and you look like leafy green ivy growing strong and tall.  Each of you has a large watering can with a spout and your pots are close enough that you can reach over and water your spouse’s soil.  Now let’s further imagine that your watering can has the exact additives that your spouse’s plant needs to flourish, including the nitrogen, and the perfect dash of phosphate, potash, zinc and iron.  In other words, you have the perfect mixture of ingredients uniquely blended and balanced to make your spouse grow beautiful and strong and green.  The best looking spouse plant on the whole block.

What happens when we withhold water from a plant?  It begins to turn brown and the leaves begin to fall.  It becomes limp and weak.  Withholding nutrients will eventually cause the plant to die.  And remember this:  When you properly provide nutrients to your spouse, they then have the strength to be able to give back to you the nutrients that you need.  It’s a cycle – water them and they are strong enough to water you.

I believe that God wants each of us to have a watering pot uniquely blended with the exact nutrients and ingredients to enable our spouse to flourish, grow, and blossom.  We need to take seriously our responsibility to figure out what those unique things are that our spouse needs.  For example, the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman talks about how each of us has a special love language.  We can express and receive love through quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.  When you know which of these five love languages your spouse prefers, you can begin to express your love for them in their unique language.

Seek to understand your spouse.  Know what their particular needs are and what fills them with joy.  Does she prefer a red rose or help with the dishes?  Does he prefer to chat about his day when he comes home from work, or does he appreciate 15 – 20 minutes of quiet time to unwind?  How do you know?  You can know because you can ask.  Agree with your spouse to take a few minutes and write down ten things that your spouse could do on a daily or weekly basis that would make you feel really special.  “I really appreciate it when you_________. It makes me feel so loved by you”.  Discuss the lists with each other and really listen to your spouse.  You could also read The 5 Love Languages book together.  Work at it every day.  What can I do to bless you today?  After all, I love it when you get all green and leafy!!!

Why Settle for Less?

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I knew a couple who had been married for over forty years.  They had a comfortable home, no real financial worries, and their children were all married. But they had baggage. Their “shop” was severely cluttered with boxes of issues.  Some of the boxes of deep hurts were buried and marked with the labels “DO NOT TOUCH – CAUSES TOO MUCH PAIN”.  They lived at opposite ends of the shop, careful not to disturb the status quo.  They would share some meals together, the bills got paid, the clothes got washed and the day to day things got done because they had learned to co-exist in a standing truce.  They shared their house; how sad they didn’t share their lives.

 We can all visualize that perfect “10” relationship; we’d call them soul mates, best friends and lovers.  There is a giddy euphoria and joy in their lives and they just love being together.  For some of us that perfect “10” is a lofty ideal, something you read about in fairy tales. It’s not reality, not for us, not now, maybe never.  And for others, it seems we’re almost there; no major problems have cluttered our lives and we experience the joy of being together almost every day.

 Several years ago I reflected on the state of my relationship with Darleen.  I knew on a scale of 1 – 10 our relationship was at maybe a three.  Oh, there were good days that we could get to a 5 or 6, but those were few and far between.  The “Oasis Days” is what I called them.  When you live day to day in a desert, being in the oasis is like being able to breathe and get a fresh drink of water. The desert years were awful.  I tried to deal with the pain by telling myself the lie that “I just don’t care”.  I tried to cope using apathy.

 Being a “passive-aggressive” temperament, I never really faced the baggage and issues that we had in “our shop”.  I would either ignore the issues, or I would attack them.  Ignoring them was simply immature stupidity, and attacking them alienated Darleen and made her withdraw further into a protective shell.  Since I didn’t face the issues, I stayed in the desert.  Here’s a bit of Common Sense:  If you ignore the problems, they don’t go away and if you attack the problems and your spouse, you just create a whole new layer of problems.  Think:  Personal Growth.

 After seriously reflecting on the couple who settled into a “coexisting marriage”, I knew I was tired of being in the desert and I did not believe the lie that I just don’t care.  I woke up to the pressing reality that at my core I didn’t want to settle for a lifeless loveless marriage.  I did care and I deeply and truly loved my wife.  I wanted that soul mate relationship.  I wanted to live in that “Oasis”.

 Choices:  We all have choices.  My next step was to face the issues and begin the work of dealing with them.  And that took personal growth on my part and understanding the need for me to love Darleen through selfless serving.

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