Tag Archives: Personal growth

Housecleaning 101

Posted on by
1

Every now and then we need to do some house cleaning.  Usually, due to life’s ever expanding busy schedule and just because things pile up, we need to stop for a few minutes and clean up.  We need to put things back where they belong, wash the dishes, mop the floor, clean off the clutter from the kitchen counters, put the gardens tool back where they go in the garage, and throw away all the mess that has been accumulating around the house.  Ah, doesn’t it feel good?!  Just cleaning up a little here and there can make the heaviness go away!  It even feels good just writing about it. 

How do we apply the House Cleaning 101 lesson to our relationships?  Do we build up messy issues that tend to clutter things up?  Do we leave unresolved sticky problems that, well, we just don’t want to get in to?  Clutter in your relationship is worse than clutter in the house.  In the house, you can just step over it.  No harm no foul, right?  OK!  OK!  Some of you ladies are not agreeing with that one.  But my point is that clutter in your relationship is way worse because it robs us of the ability to be close and intimate with someone special that you really love.  Clutter keeps you at a distance, alone and lonely. 

So what clutter do you have in your relationship?  This takes courage.  Take some time and do some self-assessment of issues that you may have buried and need to discuss.  What are some hurtful things that have happened in the past that aren’t fully resolved? 

One simple exercise is to ask your spouse to honestly let you know the three or four things that you do, maybe out of habit, laziness, insensitivity, or whatever, that really bothers her or him.  The person asking has to be vulnerable and open to hearing about themselves and they must have a willingness to try to understand the other person’s perspective.  This is not a time for self-defense, but rather a time for self-appraisal:  how do the things I do irritate you?  How do they bother you or make you upset?  I really want to understand how my actions make you feel.  Then, ask your spouse what you can do to help improve the situation.  What can you do to change?  This is a very important part of a maturing relationship, when you can exercise personal growth and work at changing those things in your life that are having a negative impact on your spouse.  By beginning to change these things, you can remove some of the relationship clutter and allow your relationship to become closer and more intimate. 

House Cleaning 101.  Try it!  You’ll like the results.        

Imagine, Part 2

Posted on by
Reply

In my previous blog I spoke about the need to imagine a better marriage, a closer more fulfilling relationship in which you enjoy being together and where you truly feel like best friends.  How is that possible?  How do you get close to each other when there are so many nagging issues making you so annoyed you could just spit?  How many times have I told him about…?  I wish she would just… and get over it already?  Why does she have to keep nagging and nagging about the same old things?  Why don’t we ever just hug and cuddle like we used to?  It seems that we are so busy and we never get enough time together.  Why does it seem like we are drifting apart?

Why indeed.  Relationship Drift is seldom caused by one or two incidents.  It develops over a long period of time, with many of the same incidents happening over and over again.  The painful hurts caused by words spoken in anger or insults and insensitivity add up into a heaping pile of pain that now you just ignore and bury.  This leads to a dull numb lifeless relationship.  Too much pain and too many issues have broken your relationship apart so that a cool distance now dominates your day to day interaction.  Moments of intimacy are few and far between and usually accented by another fight or disagreement.   If this sounds like your relationship with your spouse, then you have choices to make.  “Really?  I have choices?”  Yes, you do have choices.

First Choice:  Accept the status quo and live with a lifeless loveless relationship that will eventually get worse.  Keep in mind that doing doing nothing rarely results in the relationship getting better.  This is a fatalistic approach that builds on the lie that “it will never change”.  Have you ever heard that lie?  Maybe you’ve spoken that lie to yourself in the past.  Maybe you’re still speaking that lie to yourself even now.  During these moments when we listen to the lie, we usually drop into apathy, telling ourselves that it’s really bad and it will never change, but I don’t care anymore.  Or we attack our spouse to force them to change or else.  Attacking and apathy are not recommended solutions.

 Second Choice:  This is a tough one.  It requires that you sooth yourself and calm yourself down.   Visualize a better relationship.  Imagine a closeness that approaches a nine or nine and a half on a scale of ten.  Now, the next two steps are really tough.  First, work every day at loving and accepting your spouse.  See the positive and verbally relate your appreciation daily.  Surely the things that annoy you won’t immediately go away, but purpose to focus on the positive.  Second, reflect on what you can change about yourself that will make the relationship better.  Focus on personal growth.  What can I do to be a better husband or better wife?  Finally, work at these two EVERY DAY.  Be patient.  Don’t expect immediate change.  Be thankful for any progress.  Love unconditionally. 

 Yes, you can imagine it if you try.

Imagine

Posted on by
Reply

Often song writers are able to capture the essence of some of life’s most perplexing issues.  In a few simple lyrics they can capture the complexity of life, touch our hearts, and move our souls.  I’ll date myself here, but one such songwriter that accomplished this mystical feat was none other than John Lennon of the Beatles.  He wrote a dreamy, idyllic tale of how peaceful life could be in his song Imagine, written in 1971.  He envisioned a utopian world at peace with no hunger or war, nothing to kill or die for; a fanciful happy world where mankind lives with neither territorial boundaries nor possessions.  He admits that he’s a dreamer and invites us to dream with him.  (A footnote here for my purest brethren – He also wanted us to imagine no heaven or hell, something with which I disagree.)

In a world where the only breaking news is bad news and where critical comments dominate our dialogue, we are often caught up in the negative onslaught that bombards our lives every day.  A local town in the Midwest has actually passed a law to fine people for swearing in public because public swearing reached epidemic levels.

Can you imagine a world less negative?  Can you imagine a marriage less negative?

I believe that we need to have a vision for a better marriage.  If you are like most couples, your relationship with your spouse is, to one degree or another, less than perfect.  To be honest, some of you would probably admit that your marriage has hit a few bumps along the way.  And some may further admit that the bumps are so severe that you feel like you’re driving in the ditch.  Still others just feel like giving up.

Here’s where I need all of you to take a step of faith.  Take a step and imagine.  Open your mind and your heart to see a better marriage, to see a closer more fulfilling relationship.  Open up to seeing yourselves as best friends and lovers.  Envision a time when your communication with each other is effortless.  He really does understand you and takes time to hear you and even empathizes with your feelings.  You both have found a way to quickly forgive when wrongs are done and hurtful words are spoken.  There is a daily joy of being together because you know just how to build each other up and encourage each other.  Words of praise are easily spoken; hurts and fears are shared with love and respect.  You have a deep desire to enjoy a passionate intimate relationship and you long to share the joy of holding each other close.  Imagine and have a vision for a marriage that improves and grows better every day.

Now for the reality check.  Don’t get lost in the daydream.  Imagine where your marriage can be and take responsibility each day to do what you can do to make that dream a reality.  Yes!  Do what you can do and day by day you can transform your marriage into what you imagined it to be.

Who Will I Be?

Posted on by
Reply

We heard a talk by Gayle Haggard, wife of Ted Haggard, and she challenged us to ask ourselves the question, “Who am I going to be in this story?”  She had to answer that question when her husband was accused of a secret life of infidelity and drug use.  Her perfect world turned upside down and she chose to stay and fight for her marriage, not give up on it.  The story would be told one way or another; she decided to be a part of a hopeful healing story, not one of division and defeat.  Such a courageous decision!  And the story she now tells is of the power of Jesus to heal deep wounds between spouses.

All spouses are actors in the story of their marriage and we all have a choice of who we will be in that story.  The script is not written for us; we make it up as we go.

Personally, I spent a lot of years blocking progress and closeness in my marriage because of wrong thinking.  Our marriage wasn’t a happy story and I was not doing my part to change that.  Here are some of the destructive ways of thinking that I employed:

  • Black and white thinking- it was either all right or all wrong, a total success or failure, all good or all bad.  I didn’t acknowledge the little bit of progress or good along the way.
  • Overgeneralization- when a negative thing happened I thought nothing would ever go right.
  • Awfulizing- thinking the worst, everything is just awful.
  • Negative mental filter- I could always see the negatives, seldom the positives. I filtered out the good things and ignored the positives.
  • Magnifying and minimizing- blowing things out of proportion, magnifying my weaknesses and minimizing strengths.
  • Blaming- I blamed myself for things whether it made sense or not just to reduce the stress level.  Some people blame others for the same reason.
  • Labeling- accusing ourselves or others of wrongdoing based on a few negative instances.
  • Emotional reasonings- I let my feelings guide how I interpreted reality. For example: “I feel like I am a failure so I am a failure.”

I’m sure you see how destructive these patterns are.  They are ingrained and we use them because they seem to reduce our stress level at the moment.  But in the long run they only increase it.  They block good constructive conversation.  And if you do get some clarity and resolution at times, it will all be forgotten when caught in the negativity trap again!

Do you see yourself in any of these negative thinking patterns?  If so, be encouraged that you can change your thinking and the story of your marriage in the process.  We can decide to be intentional about the way we react to things.  Start by thinking about the positive things about you, your spouse, and your lives together.  Give yourself and your spouse some slack.  We all make mistakes and we need forgiveness. Remember that the next time one of you hurts the other.

Decide to be a positive, constructive actor in the story of your marriage.

More Making It Count

Posted on by
Reply

So ladies, now it is time for us to make it count!

Did your husband ever do or say something that really made you feel special?  To have his undivided loving attention is like a refreshing shower, energizing your whole being. I bet you felt important to him, indispensable and cherished.  And you probably really liked that feeling!

So it is not hard to imagine that your husband would like to feel special too… that he is your hero, and you admire and respect him for his qualities.  Making each other feel cherished adds to the positive relational bank account that protects our marriages from the effects of negative, draining interactions that happen every now and then.

One major hindrance is busyness.  When I am working my way through an endless task list to keep the house running efficiently or get ready for an event, I tend to put relational needs on the back burner.  A few years into our marriage, Alan challenged me to think about putting him on my task list!  That was a big wake up call for me—just because there are tasks to be done doesn’t mean the people in our lives can be put on hold.  Tasks can wait.

We need to have an attitude of gratitude also.  Discontent saps our ability to see the positive in our husbands and the circumstances we’re in, causing a negative focus.  When we are thankful we are able to see what is good and true about people and situations.

So armed and motivated to make it count, what do we do?  Here are some suggestions:

  1. Every man wants to be admired, especially by his wife!  Verbalize what you like about his character, his body, what a leader or father he is, and the good work he does.  It costs nothing and your man needs positive affirmations from you.  Most men don’t know what you think unless you tell him, so say it, on a regular basis!
  2. What kind of affectionate touch does your husband like?  Maybe he likes to be massaged or scratched on his back, or neck.  Or a hug and kiss with a whispered promise for more later! Spontaneous touching is soothing and conveys love and acceptance.
  3. Write your husband a note now and then, expressing something you are thankful for about him.  Give it to him in his lunch or mail to his office.
  4. Pray for him.  He may not know it but what better way to support him in all he does than to bring him before the Lord daily.  It will help him and keep you thankful and humble also.

It is not very time consuming to give a hug or tell your husband he’s an incredible father.  If you have a hard time doing it, search your heart for resentment, ingratitude, or selfishness that causes you to withhold positive affirmations.  Pray about it.  Ask Jesus to reveal what holds you back and to help you break through.  Your own personal growth will contribute so much to your marriage.

 Remember it takes 5 positive deposits to your relational bank account to counteract 1 negative withdrawal.  Keep adding deposits, every day, and you will be making it count!

Be Thankful For Struggles

Posted on by
Reply

Are there struggles in your marriage that never seem to go away in spite of many times talking it through?  When struggles happen over and over without getting resolved, we often try to bury the issue  and avoid the triggers.  Obviously nothing is solved and those issues have a way of popping up again at the most unexpected or worst times.

I think there is a better way to approach marital problems in general, and especially the recurring ones.  Let’s look at a verse from Romans that you have probably seen before…

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance;  and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope… Romans 5:3-4 (NASB)

For me, being thankful in struggles is difficult!  I may feel angry or sad and thankfulness is far from my mind.  It is important to feel those emotions though; to analyze where they are coming from and what from our past prompts them.  The point is to learn from them, decide which feelings make sense and which don’t, which square with the facts and which to let go of now that we are adults.  In the process we learn about ourselves and our own personal issues.

Struggles are a constant part of life and we need to keep up the self-evaluation and discussions with our spouse to get through them.  This is perseverance.  Dictionary.com defines perseverance as a “steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.”   Keep your purpose forefront in your minds- a better marriage with this person to whom you have committed my life.  Your course of action is to keep chipping away at the issues that plague you individually and together.  When a problem recurs for the nth time, that is the time to persevere all the more.

When we develop a habit of persevering through struggles with our spouse we have developed our character!  We have fought for a closer marriage.  Our intentions to honor our marriage vows are proven over time.  Bit by bit issues are resolved, we understand and empathize with each other, we cherish and love with greater depth.

And with proven character we acquire hope.  From Wikipedia: “Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair,

  • which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to circumstances in one’s life.
  • the feeling that …events will turn out for the best
  • looking forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.”

It is a good thing when you really believe your marriage will get better, that all will turn out for the best, and that we have confidence in each other!  That is hope. And it is worth the persevering to get it.

Let’s go back to thankfulness now… When you have persevered through a few issues and come out with a closer relationship on the other side, then thankfulness starts to make more sense.  You begin to see that struggle is an essential part of the path to a soul mate marriage and should be accepted with gratitude.

When I hear older couples say they love each other more all the time, I think that they must have thankfully practiced perseverance over many years!  In the midst of struggle, try to remember what you have to look forward to and be thankful.

Be Your Spouse’s Best Friend

Posted on by
3

Lots of married people we know started their relationships as friends.  Alan and I were part of a group of friends.  We cooked dinners all together, went to church and school events, and met up at restaurants.  It’s like we were a crowd that often participated in the same activities.  Some in that crowd were dating each other, but not Alan and I.  In the process we got to know each other without romance clouding our vision.  I have always appreciated that we started out as friends.

According to John Gottman, as he explains in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”  He goes on to say,

 By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.  These couples tend to know each other intimately- they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out…

Note that Mr. Gottman says respect is mutual, and they know each other intimately.  Friendship is a two way street and both parties must value and pursue the relationship for it to deepen.  If you have a true friend, you know you can always be yourself; you are accepted and safe, as is your friend with you.  You often do things intentionally to make your friend happy.  This is the type of friendship that is a foundation of the happy marriages Dr. Gottman has observed.

Do you have that kind of friendship still or has it started to wane with time and stress?  For most of us it does wane unless we cultivate it along the way. So how do we do that?

How about making your friendship with your spouse the focus of your date times?  Whatever thing you decide to do with the time, always use it to know each other more intimately, or to express your fondness.  For example, if you are going out for a cup of hot chocolate, talk about your hopes and dreams.  If you are going to a play or concert, find out what your spouse thought about it afterwards.  If you go for a walk together, hold hands and remember your courtship days.  If you just stay home, give your spouse a back rub and talk about what happened that day.  If your spouse needs to vent about a stressful situation, listen, empathize, and be glad he or she feels safe to vent with you.

Here’s a challenge:  Do something in the next week specifically to build a positive atmosphere of friendship in your marriage that helps you keep the inevitable negative times in perspective.  And have fun in the process!!

Love is Forgiving and For Giving

Posted on by
3

I saw an interesting story the other day online that I’ll paraphrase here.  A lady bought a parrot and when she got it home it started a barrage of insults at her lasting for days.  “You’re so ugly.  I can’t stand you.”  Tired of the ranting parrot, she put it in the freezer and closed the door.   After a few minutes, the parrot got quiet.  She opened the freezer and the parrot begged for forgiveness.  “I’m so sorry.  I’ll never do that again.  I know I’ve been awful.  Please forgive me!”  The lady accepted the apology.  Then the parrot asked, “What did the chicken do?”

I’m sure we would all be quick to seek forgiveness if we could truly see the consequences of withholding forgiveness.  Why is it we have a hard time forgiving each other?  When we have been hurt by our spouse, we tend to attack or withdraw.  We are often left with residual hurt feelings, resentment, and bitterness.  My passive aggressive tendency is to absorb the hurt until I am flooded; then I will attack.  Either way, absorbing or attacking, we often hold on to our hurt feelings.

Picture this:  When we withhold forgiveness, we by choice, go into a room, locking oueselves in.  The room is filled with resentment, bitterness, anger and self-justification.  “I have a right to be mad. Do you know what he did to me, again?  How long do I have to put up with this?”  We choose to remain a prisoner in a cell we have locked ourselves in.  We are choosing to remain angry, bitter, or resentful.

But we can choose to love.  We can choose to forgive.  But how can we do that when we are so hurt?  Good question.

Part of the answer may be a proper perspective.  I remember years ago that I would get really upset if Darleen left the stove burner on after she finished cooking.  She would remove the pot and forget to turn off the stove burner.  I would get upset seeing it still on thirty minutes later, thinking it was such a waste.  So how did I get over this little forgetfulness on her part?

First of all, it dawned on me that the burner being on may have cost twenty cents!!  Big deal.  What was I so upset about?  Secondly, I  thought what kind of bad habits do I have?  And wouldn’t I want her to overlook my mess ups?  You bet I would.  I wanted to be forgiven, and so I knew I needed to forgive.  The other thing I knew is that I shouldn’t make a big deal out of a little issue.  Life’s too short to get all worked up about trivial issues.

Are you withholding your love from your spouse because you haven’t forgiven him or her?  Are you locking yourself in a cell?    I hope and pray you can choose love, because love is for giving.  And choose forgiveness, because when you open the door of that cell and free yourself, you open your heart to intimacy.  After all, you don’t want to end up like the chicken.

I Do.

Posted on by
Reply

Remember the day when you said “I do?”  How did you feel that day?  What were your hopes and dreams for your marriage relationship?  Do you remember what exactly you promised your new spouse at your wedding?

Most of us had a combination of the following  and maybe a few others:

  • to have and to hold from this day forward
  • for better or for worse
  • for richer, for poorer
  • in sickness and in health
  • to love and to cherish
  • from this day forward until death do us part.

We promised to love forever, in all circumstances, when things were good and when bad.  There were no ifs, ands, or buts that day.  We meant what we said and we were sure that love would conquer all in those bad times, if they ever came.  But maybe they wouldn’t because we were perfect for each other!

A ways down the road of married life reality hits and we see each other for the imperfect people that we are.  Sometimes we hurt each other with words or actions.  We disappoint our spouse.  We find out things about our spouse that we didn’t know before, like habits, coping mechanisms, addictions, and extended family. Maybe some of our dreams will never be realized because of sickness or financial strain.  These are the worst, the poorer, and the unhealthy times.

When in those hard times, some couples lose sight of their wedding vows, me included.  I acted like my vows read more like this:

  • I will have and hold you when it’s better
  • When it’s worse, I will probably keep you at arm’s length.
  • I will love you as long as you love me.
  • Maybe I will cherish you, unless you hurt me.
  • I will take care of you when you are sick
  • But I will take you for granted when healthy.

That’s not what we dreamt of ever!  How can anyone possibly undo all the damage?

If you see yourself in some of that, there is hope to turn things around.  I discovered that Jesus has the perfect remedy for the sin of selfishness—confession and repentance to him and your spouse.  And because healing rarely happens all at once—continual confession and repentance.  There was freedom from selfishness and joy in serving when I turned from sin to Jesus. And now, instead of shame and guilt after each failure, there is forgiveness and reconciliation.

At the center of our marriages there should be the same unconditional love that Jesus has for us.  His love for us does not depend on what we do, say, think, or even how we treat him!  When we can love our spouse like that then we can truly have, hold, and cherish in all times.

Sometimes it’s good to go back to the beginning to evaluate the direction of your path.  For your own growth look at how you have kept the promises you made to your spouse.  If you’re really brave, ask your spouse how you’ve done!  Listen and learn how you can be a better servant to your spouse.  You will find the path to a soul mate marriage!

Are We Clear? Crystal.

Posted on by
Reply

Many of you remember that great movie with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson, A Few Good Men released (oh my!) twenty years ago in 1992.  (No wonder Tom looks so young.)   There is this great line in the movie when the young lawyer Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise) is questioning his witness Col. Nathan Jessep (Jack Nicholson).  The colonel thunders a question at the persistent lawyer, “Are we clear?” The lawyer replies, “Yes sir.” Driving home his point the colonel raises his voice and repeats the question with a guttural, “Are we clear?”  The young lawyer this time says, “Crystal.”

Is your communication with your spouse clear?  Would you say it is crystal clear? It’s true that we tend to suffer from “miscommunication” affliction.  There are times when we just don’t say what we mean and then there are times when we say exactly what we don’t mean to say.  We speak in veiled innuendoes and mask our true meaning, thinking that somehow our spouse will be able to unlock the code, and rightly interpret what we are not saying and what we really meant to say.

  •                Don’t listen to the words that I’m saying, listen to what I meant to say!
  •               If you could just understand me better.
  •               How many times do I have to tell you?
  •               Why can’t you just understand what I’m feeling?

Any of that sound familiar?

How about the husband who turns out the lights and gets into bed at 11:30, reaches over and softly touches your shoulder, saying, “So what do you think?”  And you say to yourself, “What do I think?  What do you mean, what do I think?  It’s late, I’m tired and I’ve got to get up at 5:30 and you’re seriously asking what do I think?  Are you kidding?”  The truth of the matter is that he’s been thinking about it since right after dinner.  He just didn’t say anything to you.  He didn’t even hint at it.  And then at 11:30 he says “So what do you think?”

Or the wife who is frantically getting dinner ready and she says to her husband, “The trash is really getting full.”  He says, “Yep, it sure is,” as he walks over to the family room and sits down.  She wanted him to take the trash out and he simply acknowledged that she’s right.  The trash is full.

Many fights and arguments in marriage are caused by miscommunication.  We somehow expect that our spouse will magically interpret what we are saying.  Sometimes we act like our spouse is a mind reader, stating, “Well, you should have known what I was feeling!”

Here’s a personal growth item for the week:

  • Practice clear communication.
  • Say clearly what you need or what your expectations are.
  • Wait till you have your spouse’s full attention.
  • Be aware of your spouse’s mood, agenda, and energy level.

For example…. She says, “Honey the trash is really getting full.  Would you mind taking it out for me please?”  To which he may reply with a twinkle in his eye, “So what do you think?”

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...