Do some of the things your spouse does really bug you? You know those little habits that are so annoying. For the most part, you have probably developed a coping mechanism that keeps things on an even keel. Well, most of the time things stay on an even keel. But in reality, you are just coping. You are burying it. You keep yourself from saying anything because you just don’t want to have another argument over a simple little thing. Why bring it up again and make a mess out of things. It’s easier to ignore it and forget it.
It certainly can be handled by using the “ignore it” method. Is that really the best way to deal with it though? Remember, when you “bury” things, even little things, it creates an unspoken barrier between you and your spouse. It may even be a little barrier, but nevertheless a barrier. These small unspoken issues can dampen the spark in your relationship. You need to be on guard and not allow the little things to grow into big things.
Let’s look at an example like the classic clothes on the floor. To be sure, he’s gotten
better over the years but for some reason he still can’t seem to remember where the clothes hamper is. Home from work, he goes in to change and sure enough, he leaves his clothes strewn on the floor again. So, what do you do? If you pick them up – again – and say nothing, what will change? If you bring it up, you feel like you’re just nagging, again.
How about a new strategy? Remember, many of life’s issues need to be lovingly negotiated. You need to collaborate together to come to a positive resolution. Try to be optimistic without being overly expectant. In other words, be hopeful that things can change, but be realistic. Some habits take years to change. Be willing to work together without a harsh or negative attitude. Try opening a discussion with “Can we talk about something later when you have a little time?” Set aside uninterrupted time to have a talk together. Bring the subject up with a spirit of wanting to work things out so that you can enjoy a closer relationship. The goal should be that you are closer and have a better relationship, not just that he remembers to pick up his clothes.
When you have time, try to work out some possible solutions to the issue. Let him know how you feel and why it is important to you. Be willing to work toward a solution over time. Usually there is no need for an immediate fix. Things truly can get better over time.
Also, always apply the rule of loving each other, even when daily annoyances bug you. Work at resolving your issues, but work more at committing to love and forgive one another.
by Victor Cline, Ph.D. Most of the time when I see “Ph.D.” next to the author’s name, I think, “Ugghh, another 9000 pages of endless psychobabble that will take me three years to plow through.” But then I come across a book like this one that breaks down complicated issues into basic strategies for success. Get a copy of this book. I’m sure you will find it useful. In the forward Dr. Cline says, “I have never seen a happy divorce.” How true is that? Broken relationships even if they end amicably are painful and leave deep lasting scars. He goes on to say that “we are all flawed. We make mistakes…” But then he says, “We have choices. If we wish, marriage can be a wonderful, exhilarating adventure with almost no limits…” So I encourage you to choose the wonderful and enjoy the adventure of marriage.
Sometimes our marriages, just like the shop, get all cluttered up. We begin with small problems. Those problems, when left unresolved, cause other problems. A husband may have a habit of not remembering to call when coming home late from work. At first, his wife gets upset about the cold dinners, eating alone and disappointed children. She lets him know how upset she is about his lack of consideration, and then she nags him about it for several months with no fruit. He gets upset about the nagging, and she eventually quits bringing it up, burying her feelings. Resentment and bitterness fester causing a noticeable distance in their relationship. He comments about how cold she has become and how he misses being affectionate. She responds in cold silence. He is totally unaware that his lack of consideration has snowballed into a mini cold war. What started as a simple problem grew into a huge problem. Over time, add five or six other issues into the mix, compounded by unspoken needs and expectations, and you have a real mess. Just like the shop. And you’re left wondering how you begin to get this mess cleaned up.