Who Are These Otters?

The Lions, Bees, Bears, and Otters are four temperaments explored in Dr. Sandra Scantling’s book Extraordinary Sex Now. Previously we explored the structured, organized, and disciplined Bees. Now we’ll go on a wild ride with the enthusiastic, frolicking, and spontaneous Otters.

There’s no doubt if you’ve married an otter. They will often be heard saying with exuberance,

“Let’s just go do it!.”  

Martin Simonis

Martin Simonis

Before you know it, you’re off another great adventure to the coast, or a five hour drive to Canada straight up I-5 in the snow. Or you’ll find out that in two hours you’re hosting a party and twenty people are coming for BBQ. “But it’s OK,” you’re told, “Most of them are bringing their own beer!” Well la te da, aren’t you thrilled. They’re bringing their own beer. What do we have to worry about?

Here are a few tell tales signs that you’re an Otter or you’re living with an Otter:

  • They are charming, lovable, fun loving, and often very generous
  • Neatness is not their strong suit – after all, we can clean up tomorrow
  • There is never a dull moment – spontaneity reigns supreme
  • They love to make life joyful and take adventures just for the fun of being with you
  • They can be creative, imaginative, and great practical jokers
  • They like variety. Too much structure confines and restricts them
  • Being supportive and accommodating are some of their better qualities
  • They can easily spend all they have because money isn’t a primary concern to them
  • They are free spirited risk takers

Otters should try to remember these things in order to live in closer harmony with a non-Otter spouse:

  • A little structure won’t really hurt you
  • Try a little long term planning and set some goals with an action plan
  • Hold back on some of your impulses and reflect on choices available to you
  • Think through your options keeping in mind other’s feelings – your spouse will thank you
  • Remember to balance your need for fun with practical things, like the bills

For those of you blessed with the joy of being married to an Otter:

  • Don’t make it your life mission to change your Otter – Learn to love them as they are
  • Appreciate that their spontaneity can add passion and excitement to your lives
  • Avoid being a nagging parent type reminding your otter of chores and tasks
  • Finds ways to get things done together without crushing their otter spirit. Get stuff done and then go have fun. If fun is at the end, you’ll be surprised how fast tasks get done.
  • And finally, remember your otter is a kid at heart. Embrace and love their uniqueness.

Thank God for the Otters in our lives. They don’t see boundaries; they see possibilities. They don’t create walls; they envision the wide open expanse. They are full of joy and enthusiasm.

Hopefully, some of that will rub off on all of us.

Next time we’ll take a look at the Lion.

That Really Bugs Me!

Do some of the things your spouse does really bug you?  You know those little habits that are so annoying.  For the most part, you have probably developed a coping mechanism that keeps things on an even keel.  Well, most of the time things stay on an even keel.  But in reality, you are just coping.  You are burying it.  You keep yourself from saying anything because you just don’t want to have another argument over a simple little thing.  Why bring it up again and make a mess out of things.  It’s easier to ignore it and forget it.

It certainly can be handled by using the “ignore it” method.  Is that really the best way to deal with it though?  Remember, when you “bury” things, even little things, it creates an unspoken barrier between you and your spouse.  It may even be a little barrier, but nevertheless a barrier.  These small unspoken issues can dampen the spark in your relationship.  You need to be on guard and not allow the little things to grow into big things.

Let’s look at an example like the classic clothes on the floor.  To be sure, he’s gotten better over the years but for some reason he still can’t seem to remember where the clothes hamper is.  Home from work, he goes in to change and sure enough, he leaves his clothes strewn on the floor again.  So, what do you do?  If you pick them up  —  again  —  and say nothing, what will change?  If you bring it up, you feel like you’re just nagging, again.

How about a new strategy?  Remember, many of life’s issues need to be lovingly negotiated.  You need to collaborate together to come to a positive resolution.  Try to be optimistic without being overly expectant.  In other words, be hopeful that things can change, but be realistic.  Some habits take years to change.  Be willing to work together without a harsh or negative attitude.  Try opening a discussion with “Can we talk about something later when you have a little time?”  Set aside uninterrupted time to have a talk together.  Bring the subject up with a spirit of wanting to work things out so that you can enjoy a closer relationship. The goal should be that you are closer and have a better relationship, not just that he remembers to pick up his clothes.

When you have time, try to work out some possible solutions to the issue.  Let him know how you feel and why it is important to you.  Be willing to work toward a solution over time.  Usually there is no need for an immediate fix.  Things truly can get better over time.

Also, always apply the rule of loving each other, even when daily annoyances bug you.  Work at resolving your issues, but work more at committing to love and forgive one another.

A Great Marriage – The Ten Keys

This week I’m sharing with you advice from a book that’s been on my shelf for quite some time,  How to Make  A Good Marriage Great –Ten Keys to a Joyous Relationship by Victor Cline, Ph.D.  Most of the time when I see “Ph.D.” next to the author’s name, I think, “Ugghh, another 9000 pages of endless psychobabble that will take me three years to plow through.”  But then I come across a book like this one that breaks down complicated issues into basic strategies for success.  Get a copy of this book.  I’m sure you will find it useful.  In the forward Dr. Cline says, “I have never seen a happy divorce.”  How true is that?  Broken relationships even if they end amicably are painful and leave deep lasting scars.  He goes on to say that “we are all flawed.  We make mistakes…”   But then he says, “We have choices.  If we wish, marriage can be a wonderful, exhilarating adventure with almost no limits…” So I encourage you to choose the wonderful and enjoy the adventure of marriage.

Here is a summary of his first five keys for making a marriage great – with my added editorial comments:

1.        First Key – Shower Positives, Minimize Nagging  – Too often we focus on the five percent of the daily things that happen that are negative, such as a harsh word or insensitive comment.  We overlook the positive.  We need to get in the habit of being thankful for all that is good in our spouse and have grace and patience with the negatives.  Remember: five positives overcome one negative!b

2.       Second Key – Let Your Spouse Know the Facilitators of Love – Here he encourages us to clearly and verbally let our spouse know what our needs are.  Don’t expect he will somehow read your mind.  When your spouse expresses his needs, listen and do your best to give him what he needs.

3.       Third Key – Defuse Anger  – Find a way to step away from tense boiling points when they happen.  Sometimes writing it out and sharing notes can help.  Take time to calm down and when cooler heads prevail, the issues may be easier to work out.

4.       Fourth Key –  Positive Sexuality  –  This is such an important key in marriage relationships and it is the basis of true emotional intimacy.  Men need sex to feel emotionally connected and women need to be emotionally connected to truly enjoy the richness of sexual intimacy.  Work at understanding each other’s needs.

5.       Fifth Key –  The Power of Commitment – Love is a Daily Decision  –  This is clearly a cornerstone to a lasting marriage.  We must make an unconditional commitment to each other – For richer / For poorer – For better / For worse – In sickness / and in health – ‘Till death do us part.  Familiar words.  We need to be committed to each other and committed to growing our relationship into a “joyous relationship”.  It’s not good enough to be committed to a lifeless relationship.  We also need to be committed to and working toward a joyous relationship, a soul mate relationship.

Next week we’ll look at the next five Keys according to Dr. Cline.

Big Problems

What if we have big problems? Can Common Sense help us to resolve these problems?

I remember several months ago we needed to clean up our shop. It’s a large shop and we had accumulated 30 years of stuff like garden and shop tools, and boxes of things we had moved from California. We had several old used appliances and lawn mowers, old rugs and stuff not even worthy of saving for a garage sale. The kids had used the shop for playing air soft games and so various barriers were built as hiding places. One of the lofts had old furniture. The other loft was full of old files and boxes, some from college and high school classes. There were ping pong tables and piles of old wood. You’re right, a cluttered mess. When we removed one pile, it uncovered another with more stuff to be sorted, cleaned, organized or thrown out. Embarrassing. How did we get so much junk? How did it pile up into such a mess?

We knew the shop needed to be cleaned out. Starting at one end, we moved things out to sweep, vacuum, rearrange, and set up a garbage pile. It ended up being a very big pile. And just for the record, we swept and vacuumed up thousands of air soft pellets. But after almost a full week of cleaning and a few trips to the dump, we got it done. We even took pictures!! A pretty big task when we started but it looked so good when we got it done.

Sometimes our marriages, just like the shop, get all cluttered up. We begin with small problems. Those problems, when left unresolved, cause other problems. A husband may have a habit of not remembering to call when coming home late from work. At first, his wife gets upset about the cold dinners, eating alone and disappointed children. She lets him know how upset she is about his lack of consideration, and then she nags him about it for several months with no fruit. He gets upset about the nagging, and she eventually quits bringing it up, burying her feelings. Resentment and bitterness fester causing a noticeable distance in their relationship. He comments about how cold she has become and how he misses being affectionate. She responds in cold silence. He is totally unaware that his lack of consideration has snowballed into a mini cold war. What started as a simple problem grew into a huge problem. Over time, add five or six other issues into the mix, compounded by unspoken needs and expectations, and you have a real mess. Just like the shop. And you’re left wondering how you begin to get this mess cleaned up.

Something to consider: Does your relationship have clutter? Are there boxes of unresolved issues? Are there issues that you don’t even talk about? When you first got married, did you and your spouse bring boxes or “stuff” and put them in your shop? Did you have goals, dreams, or desires that never materialized and are a source of tension or disappointment?

Next time: What steps can you take to deal with the Mess.