I’m Just Not in the Mood!

Have you ever heard your spouse say, “I’m just not in the mood?” Have you have ever said that to your spouse? No, I don’t want to have sex tonight because…. And we fill in the blank with a busy day, kids drove me crazy, washing machine broke and water was everywhere, too many things going on at work, or I’m mad at you. The list is endless. There will always be “things” that get in the way of us sharing an intimate time.

So let me confess; it’s easier to blog about how to handle your money than how to have a better sex life. But since our blog is Common Sense Marriage, I guess it’s only common sense to talk about sex occasionally.

The question is should we let our mood determine our actions?

There are legitimate times when we are affected by circumstances that prohibit us from being intimate with our spouse. There may have been a death in the family, a physical condition or sickness, or a truly stressful job circumstance.

Apart from exceptional circumstances, we need to be in a position that we don’t use the MOOD card. We should be selfless lovers, willing to put aside our lack of interest, and think in terms of serving our spouse. You may ask “But can I get interested in sex when I just don’t feel like it?”

Photo by Unknown

If we had to wait until we “felt like it,” just think how many things in life would not get done. So what do you do when you don’t’ “feel” like you want to do the dishes, or the wash, or go to work in the morning? I bet you do it most of the time out of a sense of duty or some other practical motivation.

In relation to being open to having sex with our spouse, it may be as simple as acting first and the desire and feelings will follow. I’m simply saying that doing intimate things will likely get you in the mood. Clear your schedule and make time for being together. Clear your mind of all the “to do” lists and tasks and reset your mind on the joy of sharing time with your spouse. Prepare your heart to be open to give and receive love. Be proactive. Act on those things that will set the stage for a wonderful time together.

And if God intended sex to be a joyful experience to be shared frequently between husbands and wives then we should not let our mood get in the way of us experiencing more of that joy together.

Think about it! You might even get in the mood!

Ideas For a Fun Time, Out or In

Go for a walk at the local mall and get an ice cream cone together.  The exercise will be great if you take two to three laps around the mall, alternating between upstairs and downstairs.  Walk at a fast pace, just enough to get the ‘ol heart beating.  Take note of the specialty shops and after your laps, stop by a few and just window shop.  No need to go crazy and spend next month’s budget, but it’s ok to dream a little.  Remember to chat along the way.  Tell her why you love her so much.

 Look up historical sites in your town and go visit at least three.  Hey, this can really be fun.  Most cities have a chamber of commerce or a visitor’s bureau or you can search online for the local sites and look up the history.  When Darleen and I visited Oysterville on the Washington coast, we found a little church built in the early 1800’s.  On the same street were several original homes.  Historical markers out front told a brief history.  As Spock would say, “Fascinating!”  Tell each other your favorite time in history and who you would like to meet if you could go back in time.

 Look up the largest and smallest park within a fifteen mile radius and visit each.  Take along  some muffins, juice and fruit.  Enjoy the first park with a walk and find a nice place for your mid-morning snack.  Then, off to park number two.  Take a walk around the park, stopping to take a few pictures here and there.  Note the flowers, trees, and any birds you spot.  After your walk, bring out the special lunch you packed earlier.  Find a nice picnic table in the shade, or sun if you prefer, and relax.  Share your most favorite place to spend time together.

 Shop for all the necessary ingredients for an unusual dinner and make it together.  This could be really fun.  Make a homemade pizza with your favorite toppings. Or a special hot and spicy south of the boarder dish. Maybe try something stir fried.  Or, if you like adventure, get a cook book with various ethnic dishes, and each of you pick out three that you would really like.  Then number all your choices and put the numbers in a box.  Pick one out, get to the store, and shop for the stuff. Come home, open a bottle of your favorite wine, and get cooking.  After a fine dinner, you can get other things cooking.

 Take the time to laugh, play, and make special memories together.

A Time For Everything

Zemanta Related Posts ThumbnailYou will find quite a list concerning time in Ecclesiastes 3. Take a few minutes to read it.

Consider these:

A time to Heal
A time to Build up
A time to Laugh
A time to Dance
A time to Plant
A time to Embrace
A time to Keep
A time to Mend
A time to be Silent
A time to Speak
A time to Love

 

How have you been using your time in relationship to your marriage? For many of us our relationship with our spouse gets the left overs.

We get it that we have to go to work and pay the bills and do the laundry and take care of the kids and fix the broken things around the house and mow the lawn and… and… and… The list has no end. There is always another item to add to the over-filled list.

Somehow, we accomplish so much but we are exhausted. Our spouse is exhausted. And when we find a few minutes here and there to give, we are emotionally empty and have little left for the most important person in our life. Leftovers!

How does this happen?

In Ephesians 3:15-16 we are admonished to

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity.

Sometimes we let others set our priorities for how we spend our time. Begin to make the most of your time by setting your own priorities and limits. If you are pulled in many directions by your boss, or friends, ex, children, and extended family, then take time to consider your priorities and honestly assess how much quality time you are spending together with your spouse. Maybe you could set some limits so that your spouse gets more than just the leftovers. Be intentional with your use of time.

So, what about it? Want a better relationship? Look at the next three or four weeks and plan what days and times you will set aside for each other. Then, and this can be a little tough, especially for the hyper busy among us, set aside a weekend away together. No kids, no phones, no laptops, no leftovers. A full meal deal, so to speak!

Yes, a real getaway!  And here’s your   To Do List:

♥  a time to laugh

Photo by John Nyberg♥  a time to build up

♥  a time to dance

♥  a time to embrace

♥  a time to love

Time can be on your side

We’ve all heard it said over and over again that the biggest gift that you can give someone is your time, and for some reason, mostly by default, we have our spouse on a rationing program.  We seem to have time for work, kids, chores, volunteer programs at church and school, and we rarely miss out on watching that baseball or football game.  We have time for so many things and for many of us the day ends with us crawling in to bed at night exhausted, having spent precious few minutes with the most important person in our life.  When we consider a weekly date night with our spouse we lament there is no time left for that.  How does that happen?

Remember in an earlier blog on Common Sense I spoke about the couple that had enough money to buy two packs of cigarettes a day and then complained that they didn’t have enough money to buy milk for the kids?  In reality, they had more than enough money; they were just smoking the milk money.   In relation to time available each day, there is no rich or poor.  No one has more or less time per day.  Much like the cigarette smoker, you already have the time.  The question is better put, “What are we doing with the time that we have?”

How is it then that as we look back over the day or the past week, we have spent so few of those hours in meaningful relating with our spouse?

As with finances, we need to make choices.  And right choices follow right priorities.  The first thing that you need to do is determine what your priorities are.  For example, a financial planner will tell you that savings should be a priority in your monthly budget.  So they recommend taking 10% right off the top and put it into a saving program.  They don’t say to wait until the end of the month and see what’s left over.  That would be foolish.  You take your savings off the top and then live on what’s left.  Why?  Because you predetermined that saving was a priority.

And isn’t that what we need to do with our most important relationship? Why give your time and energy to everything else and then give your spouse the leftovers?  Doesn’t make sense, does it?

Here’s a challenge:  Do you want to have your relationship with your spouse be the number one priority?  Great!  Commit to this:  Set aside two evenings per week – two to three uninterrupted hours, for “special time” with each other.  No phone calls, no emails, no TV, no ball games (you can record them!), no Face Book, no blogging, just time for each other.  Later in the evening is fine, especially if you have kids.   And at home is fine too.   Remember:  water often. Trust me.  Your spouse will love you for making them your number one priority.