A New Year

Photo by Shondra Hull

Photo by Shondra Hull

Can it be? 2016 is almost over! It’s amazing to me how fast each year goes by. And many of us engage in the practice of making a list of what we want to get done in the next year. The “Resolutions” list.

Admit it! You’ve done it. Some of you even write them down. You cross off a few. And by February you’ve lost the list.

Some of you have a mental list. That’s easier to dispose of since you don’t even have to lose it. You can just quietly forget about it.

OK, I’m be being a little hard on you. Actually, I’m being hard on me. I have done this over and over. My resolving is a habit. But, to be fair, I have done some of what I resolved. But some things keep showing up, year after year. Ah, some day, I will have the old things done and will start the new year with a fresh list.

Optimism is what we need. An optimistic view. We can do this. Yes, we can!

So, this year, let me help you with a basic ready-made

Resolutions List for My Marriage

I Resolve to Love my spouse, not just in word but in action.

  1. I will look for ways to demonstrate my love to my spouse.
  2. I will actively seek what tangible acts I can do to show my love.
  3. I will make a point of saying “I love You” every day.

I hereby RESOLVE to love my spouse.

I Resolve to Forgive my spouse.

  1. Let this be the year I truly let go of anything I am harboring against my spouse.
  2. I will forgive my spouse.
  3. I will just “Let it go.”
  4. I will pray for God to give me the grace to forgive as I have been forgiven.

I hereby RESOLVE to forgive my spouse.

I Resolve to take time with my spouse.

  1. I will spend quality time with my spouse each week.
  2. I will get a babysitter if needed to get alone time with my spouse.
  3. I will not allow my time with my spouse to be second, third, or fourth on my priority list.
  4. My time with my spouse will be number one.
  5. I will plan a weekend away once every three months.
  6. I will plan a week away once this year.

I hereby RESOLVE to spend time with my spouse.

I Resolve to work on my marriage.

  1. I will make my marriage a priority.
  2. I will work on better communication.
  3. I will read a book or two on marriage.
  4. I will attend a marriage seminar.
  5. I will make every effort to make my marriage better this year than last.

I hereby RESOLVE to work on my marriage.

Photo by Roger Kirby

Photo by Roger Kirby

That’s a great start!

Prayerfully consider the above list and modify if you must, but do RESOLVE to get closer to the wonderful spouse the Lord has given you.

Weekend Away

How important is it to have a scheduled weekend getaway with your spouse? Should you try to sneak a time in once a year? Would that be enough? After all, we are so busy and it’s really hard to get a full three days away. Who will take care of the kids? And what about all the projects that we need to get done? Who has the time?

Do the excuses sound familiar? Why is it that we schedule other things but time away together gets pushed into the “maybe someday” category? Let me ask you this, in the past three or four years has “someday” ever come? Or are you like so many couples who never take time away. Life and circumstances determine your schedule.

Here’s an analogy: your laptop. How long can you use it on battery alone? A full day, or maybe several hours? Before long, you need to plug it in and get recharged. It has used all of its reserve power. It is running on empty. And what if it just kept running, but very slowly. It would take forever to process. (I know; it sounds like your laptop even when fully charged!) But think about it. How long would you tolerate it running so slow? And after running slow for so long, you would begin thinking that’s normal.

Photo by franckreporter

Photo by franckreporter

I think our relationship with our spouse is like the laptop. It needs to be recharged because after a while, it starts running on empty. For many of us, we are so used to running on empty, it seems normal. It would be great if we had an ap with a meter that would pop up and say, “Danger. Danger. Relationship running on empty. Need time away. Would you like me to schedule that for you?”

I believe most importantly, you need to predetermine that time away together is a priority. And you should try to work it in every three months.

Here are some important reasons for time away together:

  • Relax – No phones, noise, laptops, emails – Take a deep breath and relax.
  • Reconnect – You’ll have time to talk. Take a long walk on the beach and talk.
  • Remember – You can share favorite memories together over dinner.
  • Rejuvenate – Focus on making your relationship fresh again.
  • Recharge – Get your energy level back up and feel renewed, ready for life.
  • Reignite – Take time to stoke the flames of passion and let things heat up.

Well, now it’s time to do something. Resolve to make it happen. Tell your wife you want to go out for dinner and get out your calendars and schedule a weekend away. Sure, there’ll be details to work out, but it will be worth it.

Navigating a Life Changing Event

Recently, and fairly suddenly, Alan and I chose to embrace some changes in our life that are having a big impact on us. Alan was laid off his job late last year and was pursuing another job. If that wasn’t enough our church’s leadership team fell apart and urgently needed help to fill in the blanks. Never ever did we contemplate Alan volunteering for the board of directors of a large church, but that’s what he did after we prayed, sought counsel, and agreed together that the Lord was leading him there.

Photo by Andy Stafiniak

Photo by Andy Stafiniak

Within a week he was attending several meetings a week. Evenings, mornings, long meetings, emergency meetings. Lots of phone calls, email and text communications. It was a very different schedule, sort of like when we prepared for our daughter’s wedding. Those last few months were non-stop and we never felt caught up.

We have always been extremely protective of our time alone for dates and intimacy and it took a few weeks to notice that this new schedule was taking a toll. We also felt the effect on our exercise goals that fell to a lower priority. We were tending to eat fast food on the fly. The long hours, less exercise, and poor food choices meant less energy for intimate time and getting everyday chores done.

Though this has been a big change for us, I know that some couples live in this state of busyness constantly and it doesn’t ease up for them. So temporary or constant, how can we navigate these times and keep our marriages fresh and passionate?

There are the obvious things:

  • Is there anything you can let go of?
  • Decide together if you should add something new.
  • Intentionally shut the phones off for time to connect.
  • Stop things that just waste time- TV, web surfing, gaming.

And schedule intimate time if you have to but be open to unconventional or spontaneous times. When a meeting cancels, don’t waste the opportunity! On the other hand, let go and be content if your time together gets postponed once in a while.

Most important are your attitudes. It’s easy to blame and resent your spouse when they change the plans. But that attitude will only hurt you both if you hold on to it. Don’t ever doubt your spouse’s commitment and love. Making assumptions about their intentions never helps. When your feelings get hurt or your hopes dashed, talk about how you feel

Photo by John Nyberg

Photo by John Nyberg

and work together to get the time you need.

And finally, don’t forget to plan for and go on that get-away time where you can relax and enjoy each other without any interruptions!

Why is Date Night Important?

Most books that cover marriage and relationships come around to the importance of regular date nights.  Some go further and suggest quarterly weekends away and a week-long vacation once a year.  You may be asking date night weekly, quarterly weekends, vacations alone?  Who has the time for all that?  And what about the kids?  That’s just unrealistic.  We don’t have time!  We’re just too busy.  We don’t have any free time during the week.  Our schedule is full.

If you recognize any of the above reasons and are feeling that you really are just too busy, then I think it is best to go down a path of evaluation together.

Photo by yalcin Eren

Photo by yalcin Eren

With what are you too busy?  Understand that your relationship is your most important life commitment.  You can change jobs, where you live, and what house you live in, but you have committed to make this journey through life with your spouse and you want to enjoy that journey together.  We need to invest the time we have in what is most important to us.  Nothing is more important than a strong well-nourished marriage.

Times away on a weekly basis to connect help refresh and restore your relationship.  It is a time for recharging, reconnecting, laughing, and reminiscing about favorite times together.

For some reason when you think back to when you were dating, you did have time to be together.  You looked forward to it.  Now you’re married and those times together are needed even more to keep your relationship strong, vibrant, growing, and to keep you connected and in touch with each other.

If you are not having regular dates nights weekly, then I want you to stop and honestly ask yourself why.  Why is it that other things are always taking priority?

You may find that you need to cancel something else.  Yes, that’s right.  You may need to cancel some other scheduled meeting and in place of it put “our time.”

red-sunset-1397904

Photo by James White

Don’t let the excuse of the children keep you from date nights. Enlist some relatives, a trustworthy teen, or set up a couple to trade child care duties.  They need a date night just as much as you do and you can do each other a great favor that way.

If you reschedule so you have a consistent date night, you’ll find over time that it is well worth it.  Relationships need to be nourished in order to thrive.  Even your children will benefit from you committing to taking time away together.  It may be tough to coordinate if you have kids, but it will be a blessing to them if you do.

More on Daily Doses of Selfless Serving

Everyone wants to have a great marriage. When dating, couples will often think “How can our relationship be anything but perfect? We are so in love and we have no problems.” So what happens? Why is the illusion of uninterrupted bliss destroyed?

There is a component in most dating relationships that is unique. While dating, we tend to be other centered. We are generally more thoughtful, kind, and considerate. We go out of our way to do special things for each other. We are less inclined to make a big problem and have a long discussion over minor disagreements. We tend to see the best in each other. We are more forgiving and less apt to hold a grudge. There is a high degree of serving and loving each other selflessly.

What happens to relationships over time? Why does the euphoria of dating disappear to be replaced by the doldrums of daily life? Quite simply, for many couples, making their spouse a priority is replaced with other priorities.

Here’s how to keep the love alive and growing. Get in the habit; yes make it a habit, of doing kind selfless acts of service for your spouse. This can be accomplished in word and deed.

Praise and compliments should be the ordinary.

“Thank you, honey. That was a wonderful dinner. You’re such a good cook.”   or…

“Thanks so much for fixing that. It really helps me.”

The daily things we do for each other are often taken for granted. Verbalize your appreciation. Express your thankfulness with a hug and a kiss. Look for opportunities to verbalize your awareness that your spouse has done something for which you are thankful.

Selfless acts of service can take many forms. Never underestimate the power of a neck or foot rub. After a long day at work, if your spouse has to bring home some of that day’s work and is hunched over the computer long after dinner, sneak up behind him/her and begin a five or ten minute neck and shoulder message. Whisper something endearing about how his/her efforts every day are really appreciated.

And since I am a firm believer in reciprocity, the thoughtful selfless spouse can offer a relaxing foot massage to the wife who has been on her feet all day at work or taking care of the kids and shopping and cleaning. These simple deeds profoundly nourish the relationship. They offer daily doses of love.

You need to be the expert on your spouse. What acts of service or words of affirmation are most meaningful to them? ASK them and make a habit of making these a priority in your day.  Each day, find ways to serve your spouse. Nurture your love daily and before long it will seem like your still dating.

A Time For Everything

Zemanta Related Posts ThumbnailYou will find quite a list concerning time in Ecclesiastes 3. Take a few minutes to read it.

Consider these:

A time to Heal
A time to Build up
A time to Laugh
A time to Dance
A time to Plant
A time to Embrace
A time to Keep
A time to Mend
A time to be Silent
A time to Speak
A time to Love

 

How have you been using your time in relationship to your marriage? For many of us our relationship with our spouse gets the left overs.

We get it that we have to go to work and pay the bills and do the laundry and take care of the kids and fix the broken things around the house and mow the lawn and… and… and… The list has no end. There is always another item to add to the over-filled list.

Somehow, we accomplish so much but we are exhausted. Our spouse is exhausted. And when we find a few minutes here and there to give, we are emotionally empty and have little left for the most important person in our life. Leftovers!

How does this happen?

In Ephesians 3:15-16 we are admonished to

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity.

Sometimes we let others set our priorities for how we spend our time. Begin to make the most of your time by setting your own priorities and limits. If you are pulled in many directions by your boss, or friends, ex, children, and extended family, then take time to consider your priorities and honestly assess how much quality time you are spending together with your spouse. Maybe you could set some limits so that your spouse gets more than just the leftovers. Be intentional with your use of time.

So, what about it? Want a better relationship? Look at the next three or four weeks and plan what days and times you will set aside for each other. Then, and this can be a little tough, especially for the hyper busy among us, set aside a weekend away together. No kids, no phones, no laptops, no leftovers. A full meal deal, so to speak!

Yes, a real getaway!  And here’s your   To Do List:

♥  a time to laugh

Photo by John Nyberg♥  a time to build up

♥  a time to dance

♥  a time to embrace

♥  a time to love