The Bee Personality

Our last blog was an overview of a book by Dr. Sandra Scantling: Extraordinary Sex Now. In her book she examines four basic temperaments: The Lion, the Bear, the Otter, and the Bee. Today we’ll take a closer look at the Bee personality.

Generally speaking bees tend towards the following traits: Practical, ambitious, predictable, security minded, task oriented, very detailed, meticulous, good money managers, and logical. They take control and avoid impulsive behavior. They like facts over feelings and when others are patient with them, allowing them to think things through. They are all about fairness and proper balance. They value cleanliness and like things scheduled. They are good planners, but not good at delegating since they prefer to do things themselves so that they are done right. They tend to be very exacting with themselves and demanding of others.

Do you see your spouse in the list above? Or do you see yourself? Perhaps you’re a bee who married a bee and things have been very orderly since your well planned wedding.

Dr. Scantling has several hints that are quite helpful if your spouse is a bee. Here are a few:

  • Understand that they need order and structure
  • They can best communicate with facts and are overwhelmed by feelings and emotions
  • Share your admiration for their strengths and how much you appreciate them
  • Feelings don’t come easily for your bee so be open whenever they attempt to share theirs

Bees, while having so many positive strengths such as being good providers, dependable, and well-mannered, can be a handful with their constant attention to detail and need for structure. Because they are so task oriented, they may overlook many common social sensitivities. They may stress the facts rather than trying to understand what you are feeling.

And finally Dr. Scantling has a few suggestions for you if you are a bee:

  1. Learn to understand the feelings of others. They may not always seem logical to you, so you will need to learn empathy.
  2. Set aside time for a date night with your spouse. Don’t worry so much about an agenda that you overlook the joy of just spending time together.
  3. Look for the positives in your spouse and compliment them regularly.
  4. Work on sharing your hopes and dreams and plans. No need keeping all of this to yourself.
  5. Cultivate some spontaneity in your life. Drop what you’re doing and go have some fun.
  6. Work on changing your “absolute” thinking. Life isn’t always about right or wrong.
  7. Let yourself have some space if something isn’t “just perfect”. Sometimes things can be good enough as they are. Don’t stress and fuss over perfection.

We can all appreciate the wonderful qualities of Bees. After all, life is sweeter with a little honey.

Lions and Bees and Otters and Bears, Oh My!

We all remember Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz repeating over and over “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” So it was sure funny when I ran across a book by Dr. Sandra R. Scantling titled Extraordinary Sex Now: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy in which she cleverly refers to our marital relationship in terms of Lions and Bees and Otters and Bears.

Oh, my!

Since my last blog covered being “in the mood,” I thought I’d stay in the mood with a few comments about Dr. Scantling’s book. While the title may suggest a racy exposition on the subject of sex, I found her book was quite insightful in detailing relational styles and how they affect our intimate interactions. It is more a primer on how to understand one another than on how to do one another.

Now about Lions, Bees, Otters, and Bears…  Here’s a very brief summary:

  • Lions –  Energizers – communicative, controlling, critical, assertive, energetic, demanding, risk takers
  • Bees – Workers – practical, analytical, organized, perfectionist, precise, orderly, hardworking, planners
  • Otters – Players – playful, dreamers, artistic, impulsive, disorganized, fun-loving, rebellious
  • Bears – Stabilizers – cooperative, agreeable, conflict avoiders, thoughtful, stubborn, generous, nurturing

Do you see yourself and your spouse in the list? Many of us are a combination, such as a Bee/Bear or a Lion/Otter.

You can see that certain temperaments will have a challenge functioning on a day to day basis with a non-complementary temperament. Sure, a Bee can get along with a Bee because they are so well organized. And two Bears will have a wonderful time because they’ll never disagree; they’ll just go along and be happy Bears.

But what about two Lions? Who gets to make the decisions? Who gets to lead? And consider two Otters. They want to have fun, no matter what. But what happens when one wants to hike and the other wants to visit with friends all day? Who decides? Yes, the Bees already have an answer: Take the friends on the hike!!  Those clever Bees!

You get the idea. Maybe we can get along with a spouse that is similar to us. But generally speaking, we tend to marry the opposite of who we are. A Lion will marry a Bee or an Otter and the sparks will fly.

Dr. Scantling’s book breaks down these complicated interactions and gives detailed suggestions on how to cope with divergent personalities. If we can learn how to get along better outside the bedroom, it will be easier inside the bedroom.

This speaks to the primary themes of Common Sense Marriage:

Personal Growth and Selfless Serving.

When we work at growing by seeking to better understand ourselves and our spouse, we can apply that understanding and become a more empathetic partner. We actually serve each other when we increase understanding. And we grow closer and desire to share that closeness in an open and intimate way.

So, who are you? Lion, Bee, Otter or Bear? Would you love to find out? Stay tuned and we’ll go exploring together.

I’m Just Not in the Mood!

Have you ever heard your spouse say, “I’m just not in the mood?” Have you have ever said that to your spouse? No, I don’t want to have sex tonight because…. And we fill in the blank with a busy day, kids drove me crazy, washing machine broke and water was everywhere, too many things going on at work, or I’m mad at you. The list is endless. There will always be “things” that get in the way of us sharing an intimate time.

So let me confess; it’s easier to blog about how to handle your money than how to have a better sex life. But since our blog is Common Sense Marriage, I guess it’s only common sense to talk about sex occasionally.

The question is should we let our mood determine our actions?

There are legitimate times when we are affected by circumstances that prohibit us from being intimate with our spouse. There may have been a death in the family, a physical condition or sickness, or a truly stressful job circumstance.

Apart from exceptional circumstances, we need to be in a position that we don’t use the MOOD card. We should be selfless lovers, willing to put aside our lack of interest, and think in terms of serving our spouse. You may ask “But can I get interested in sex when I just don’t feel like it?”

Photo by Unknown

If we had to wait until we “felt like it,” just think how many things in life would not get done. So what do you do when you don’t’ “feel” like you want to do the dishes, or the wash, or go to work in the morning? I bet you do it most of the time out of a sense of duty or some other practical motivation.

In relation to being open to having sex with our spouse, it may be as simple as acting first and the desire and feelings will follow. I’m simply saying that doing intimate things will likely get you in the mood. Clear your schedule and make time for being together. Clear your mind of all the “to do” lists and tasks and reset your mind on the joy of sharing time with your spouse. Prepare your heart to be open to give and receive love. Be proactive. Act on those things that will set the stage for a wonderful time together.

And if God intended sex to be a joyful experience to be shared frequently between husbands and wives then we should not let our mood get in the way of us experiencing more of that joy together.

Think about it! You might even get in the mood!

The Affection Connection

Did you see one of the latest videos that hit the internet?? Check this one out:

Who said romance is dead? This video was viewed 60 MILLION times!

Bernie Mills, 80, was caught on camera waiting for his wife, Carol, 75, at Los Angeles International Airport.  When he saw her, he broke out into a smile, gave her flowers, a hug, and a kiss. The couple met on eHarmony after their spouses of 50 years died and have been married to each other  about 5 years.

Did you see it?? OK, You’re right. I’m a big mush. But I guess I’m not alone… 60 MILLION other people wanted to see this one touching video of an old guy being affectionate, at the airport, in public, in broad daylight, and he doesn’t seem to care that anyone else is looking. Yep. They call it PDA… Public displays of affection.

So what about you?? Do you ever get all squishy in public and show your spouse that they’re the best thing in your life and you can’t live without them? I know, maybe the “in public thing” is just not your style. What about at home, when no one is looking? Do you get affectionate then?

Do you know what kinds of affectionate things your spouse likes? Think about it. Some like holding hands. Others appreciate a handwritten note expressing some endearing thoughts. Or a spontaneous neck rub or foot massage. Even just a couple of scratches on an itchy back. Bringing home a few flowers, even free wild flowers that you picked next to the parking lot at work (for those of you who need to do romance on a budget). What about it? What does your spouse like? What would make him or her smile. What would make them happy that you thought of them?

And how often should you do these squishy endearing romantic little gestures? How about every day!!! You can easily stoke the fire of your love for each other by just doing a few little affectionate things on a regular basis. Make a habit of it.

Little gestures of your love for your spouse let them know that to you, they’re really special and you want to have that one to one connection. You really do care about them and you enjoy making them happy.  To be cherished in this way can make a huge difference in your spouse’s psyche and their outlook on life.

So what about it? Are you ready to show your love? Who knows, maybe someday YOU’LL show up on a You Tube video and 60 million people will be inspired…..

Need vs Wants

One of the great debates when discussing finances is how do we determine whether the item we’re considering is a need or a want?

This discussion has so many possible right answers because every situation is different. We  have a unique level of income relative to our debt and expenses. Usually our income is a set amount each month. We allocate about the same amount to bills every month and we have a certain amount left over after the bills have been paid. Some have nothing left over, largely because of accumulated debt. In either situation, we need to decide how to spend on items that are in the grey area.

Do you really need that new widget? For example, many would have no issue saying their six year old, well maintained, dependable car “needs” to be replaced with a “new” car because it’s “old”. And we haven’t had a new car in years. Others would see the added expense of a new car as a definite “want” item.

Face it. If we asked what we NEED to spend money on each month, the list would be quite short. Basics like food, utility bills, house payments, insurance would all make the list. But what about the $425 on average that you spend each month on dinners out? Is that a need or a want? Can that be cut back to a modest $125 thus saving $300 per month? What about the amount spent on vacations each year? If you look back, do you spend a few hundred dollars per year or is it thousands?

How about new furniture? Do you regularly spend money to modernize the household furnishings like a new bigger and better TV, sofa,  remodeled kitchen, new backyard furniture, new family room stereo equipment . This list can go on and on.

Each of you needs to determine what level of discretionary spending fits your budget. I believe that most WANT items should be OFF the list until ALL debt is paid off. Any money spent for “wanted” items could be used to pay down debt faster. We need to get in a position of being debt free. When you are debt free, then you can conscientiously decide what amount is “reasonable” to spend on items that are in the “want” category.

Discuss all of this with your spouse and come to a joint decision. Collaborate and be willing to compromise. You may not see the NEED for something that your spouse would really like to have. It’s OK to find a balance. But agree on this together.

You NEED to be in a place where you each WANT what is best for both of you.

Save or Spend? Who Decides?

Well you’ve done it! You’re now at a place where your debt is under control. Yes, you are still paying off your mortgage but your revolving debt – credit cards and car loans – has been payed off.

Financially stress free marriage, right? Well, maybe not. Many couples have been blessed with enough income so that they have little to no debt. And the debt they do have is easily handled with current income. But unfortunately, many of these couples still fight about money. How can that be? What’s to fight about? They don’t have problems paying their bills and there are no bill collectors hounding them to make payments on past due obligations. So what is there to fight about?

I have found that the couples who have little or no debt worries, still can have enormous tension over how to spend what they do have. Who determines what amount is spent on what? Who decides when and if and how much to save? Do we spend part of our income on a special vacation? Do we remodel the kitchen? Do we build a new deck and get a hot tub? What about that new entertainment system with the 60 inch TV and surround sound? And of course, the new car. He has always wanted a new Mercedes and after all, it is a very reliable car. And the family has grown, so they need a new SUV to handle the back and forth to school, trips to the coast, and camping each summer.

And we really should get that new ….

You get the point… The wish list is endless. And again, experience informs me that usually one spouse is leaning on saving while the other feels that saving and never spending leaves Jack (or Jill) very sad. One spouse is saying WHOA WHOA WHOA! and the other is saying GO GO GO! Life is frustrating if we can’t spend some money on what we need and want. Certainly we can spend some of the surplus? We don’t need to live as if we have nothing extra each month because everything has to go into savings. How do we decide? Who gets to decide?

Spend some time in the next few weeks thinking and talking about how spending decisions get made in your family. What roles do each of you play in these decisions? Are there particular purchases you have fought about in the last few years? Do either of you ever have negative feelings when a purchase is made by your spouse? Talk honestly and with a willingness to work on making your relationship better.

Next time we’ll look at several tactics to help with planning when you have enough and you are challenged as a couple on how to spend or save.

Get Out of Debt

What’s the best method for paying down your debt? My leaning is to pay off the highest interest rate debt first.

You will need your list of all outstanding debt, monthly payments, and interest rates. Rank this list by interest rate with the highest rate loan first, then in descending order. You will probably find that you have several credit cards with interest rates of 18% to 21% or more. To me it makes the most sense to pay off the debt with the highest interest rate first because it is costing you the most every month.

For example – You may have cards with 18% monthly interest and a car loan that you negotiated a low rate of 4% or even 0% interest. One credit card with a balance of $5000 and 18% interest will cost you about $900 the next year in interest alone. By paying off the car loan, you save nothing in interest expense next year. But by paying down the credit card, you will save 18% on the extra amount used to pay down that debt.

So, step number one, is to rank your debt. Then find money in your budget by earning more or decreasing expenses such as dining out or lattes or whatever you are willing to forego. Use these funds to pay down the highest interest rate debt first. Continue to pay on all your other debts as usual.

Let’s say that you have come up with $200 per month that you can use to pay down your debt. The first loan that you will  pay down is a credit card with a $1400 balance. If you have been paying $35 per month towards this bill, add $200 per month (total of $235) and you will have the bill paid in full in about 6 months!

After the first card is paid off, add $235 to the payment for the card with the next highest interest rate. If you were paying $75 per month to this next debt, add $235 to $75 and begin making payments of $310.

Continue this process. Over time you will increase the amount used to pay off debt by adding the amount from each paid off loan to come up with a new amount to be used to pay off the next.

But remember: NO NEW DEBT! The objective is to PAY OFF all debt. Yes, you CAN keep up this process until you  pay off even your home mortgage, if you have one.

Objective: Get out of DEBT! Why? Out of control debt can strain your relationship by adding unnecessary stress to your marriage. You won’t be fighting over the bills because you don’t have any bills for debt.

No debt. Try it. You’ll like it. And so will your spouse!